Rest in Peace Now Dad

I'm not going to lie, this is going to be a difficult post for me to compose.  I have had 10 years to prepare myself for June 29th of this year but there are certain stages of grief that you just can't go through until the time actually comes.

This photo of Dad, Bug, and Nanbaby was taken just a couple days before Dad told me he was done fighting.  It was difficult to hear him say that he was tired and ready to go "sleep" with his wife (my mother who passed away 15 years ago).  It was difficult, but I understood, he had held on for 10 years for me and it was time to let him go. 

It saddens me to think of all that my father gave up when he tried to end his life so many years ago.  I still grieve for the grandfather that my children never really got to know.  I still miss the father that was strong for me so many times as I was growing up.

It took me ten years to get past my anger at my father for attempting to kill himself and for the state that his attempt left his mind and body in,  But now I realize that those are ten years that I cherish.  That was ten more years that I got to spend with my father.  Even though his brain was very damaged from lack of oxygen and he wasn't able to have in-depth conversations any longer, I came to realize something that I wasn't aware of prior to his self-imposed life sentence, my father did love me and was proud to call me his daughter.  There were times when we butted heads as I grew up that I would've told you differently, but after the last ten years I can tell you without a doubt that I had not given him enough credit as a father. I did not know what he was dealing with.  I did not realize that he had a treatable illness very similar to mine.  Looking back I can now see the signs, but they were never glaringly obvious.

Depression is a serious illness that some people can hide a lot better than others.  If you know someone that you think may be depressed or having a difficult time please reach out to them.  If you are feeling down yourself or confused about life, please reach out to someone. There could be someone out there that needs you more than you realize.  I was lucky to have the time to repair my relationship with Dad (the best I could given his limitations), and I realize that, but I also realize how many times I could have benefited from having my Dad be his full, capable self over the last decade.  I guess a girl never out grows needing her Daddy.

Daddy I love you.