An Alternate Reality

It's no big secret that I've been stressed to the max lately. It seems that the reason that I'm stressed is no longer a huge secret either. Which of course, added more stress last week.

I was reaching my breaking point and needed to clear my head.

So a plan was devised for me to take a short break from reality and enjoy some quiet time with a dear friend (we need a catchy moniker for him, don't we? For now I suppose we shall just call him Mr X) halfway across the country where he is currently residing.

I boarded the plane (yes, me, who has never flown in anything bigger than a single engine Otter) at 7 pm on Friday night. I'll admit, I was rather nervous. Flying, for the first time in a big plane, by myself. I didn't need to worry though. I had the sweet Mr X checking in on me through the whole process. We texted through my drive, through the check in, through security, during my long wait at the gate, a phone call to let him know I was safe on board, and another text to let him know I made my connecting flight. Out of the four planes I found myself on during the weekend, the first was the bumpiest due to turbulence from passing storms.

But I was a big girl and can proudly say that I handled it just fine.

I arrived on the East Coast at 12:15 in the morning and had to wait 45 minutes for the rental car agency's shuttle to pick me up. Then I was off on a 2 hour drive through New England. Let me tell you, 55 mph speed zones on Interstates just about kill me anymore!

I arrived safely at the hotel at about 3:30. Yawn, that was an exhausting trip, but I found myself wide awake by the time I arrived at my destination.

After a few hours of sleep it was time to get up and not let the day waste away. X had a plan.

I wasn't completely aware of the plan. "Let's drive into the city today. I want to see your reaction when you explore the city for the first time," he said.

New York City?

Wow, yes! I would love to see the city! I assumed in my naturally unsuspecting way that we would just walk around for a little while and maybe grab some lunch. I had no clue what an amazing day was ahead of me.

We set off from the hotel about 11:00, stopping on our two hour drive for a quick sandwich. As we approached the Big Apple my eyes widened in amazement. So many buildings (an architectural wonderland to be sure), so much traffic. I took in all the graffiti as we cruised past the Bronx, watched all the cars dart in and out of lanes in front and beside us. I think I would have had a panic attack driving through that chaos!

We drove past Central Park East. I took in with joy and awe all the street vendors, pedestrians, and bicycles as we passed. What a different world from mine.

We found a parking garage that would be open late and started our foot journey. I'm glad I opted for tennis shoes instead of sandals, but could have done without my sweater or purse. It had turned out to be a gorgeous sunny day.

X gave me a short tour to get my bearings before we stopped for a "snack" at Famiglia Pizzeria. His plan was that we would look over our options for a show that evening and have our dinner after. The snack to get us through was much bigger than what I consider a snack. My "slice" of New York Style cheese pizza was bigger than my plate! It was delicious, but oh so filling. I made an honest attempt to finish it all, but I just couldn't.

After our snack we ducked into a pub to escape the sun and crowds. While we sipped our Stella Artois we enjoyed watching the crowd's reaction to the World Cup tie game between the USA and England.

Walking down the street after our little break we came across another crowd. This one was outside of the Addams Family musical. The 2:00 showing had just finished a short while before. Rumor was that Nathan Lane had snuck out the side door, but we were able to get a shot of me with Kevin Chamberlin who plays Uncle Fester.

From here on out Mr X took over photography duties. Mostly I think because I was still staring in awe at everything and forgetting that the camera was in my possession. I didn't even manage to get a shot of him for myself! I will give him credit though for making me feel a little more comfortable in front of the camera!

Our stroll led us back up to Times Square. We checked the ticket board and decided that we would try to see Westside Story if we could. The line for the ticket booth was outrageous though, so X decided that it would be best if we waited awhile to purchase our seats.

We strolled through a few of the big hotels to cool off and made our way over to FAO Schwartz . There weren't very many opportunities to play there, but there were a ton of life size stuffed animals to be impressed by.

Shh... I almost knocked this bear over while I was posing.

We didn't make it up quite far enough to see the Empire State Building, but you can see it here in the background. I think I probably disappointed X a slight bit on our venture down 5th Avenue. I was more impressed by the architecture on the old churches than window shopping at stores I wouldn't be able to afford to even daydream about. Not that I wouldn't have liked to daydream, but there was so many other things to still be impressed by. Besides, I think by this point I may have entered over-stimulation overload!

It was time to work our way back to the theater now to see about getting tickets to the evening show. Along the way we paused to see just what they do with Rockefeller Center when it's not being used as an ice skating rink. Turns out they turn it into a cafe during the warmer months.

Don't I look like such a tourist with my purse crossing my chest and my sweater tied around my waist? Radio City Music Hall was closed that night in preparation of the Tony Awards the next night. I could have paid $6 to watch the Tony's on the plane ride home but decided against it. From what my theatre involved friends and family tell me that was a wise choice this year.

We made it back to the Palace Theatre in time for Mr X to get a great deal on our theater seats, then scoped out a restaurant for after the show. We took a short subway ride back up towards Central Park just so I could say I had been on the subway. We made our way on foot back to toward the theatre, arriving early enough that we could duck into Famous Dave's for a glass of wine.

The show was phenomenal! X had managed to get us front row seats. If I leaned forward just a little bit I could watch the Orchestra (which was fantastic). I was very thrilled to see that the Orchestra included a Bass Clarinet. Oh, that brings back the memories. The whole production was so amazing and perfect that I hope I can still find satisfaction in the musicals that I attend back home! I don't think X has any clue how thrilled I was with attending an actual Broadway production as I was almost to the point of exhaustion by the time we left the theatre and felt I couldn't express my awe properly.

After the show we had a wonderful and filling Italian dinner of Rigatoni 4 Formaggi and Scaloppine Allo Chardonnay at Tramonti. Between the meal and a glass of wine I fell asleep before we even made it out of New York. I feel kind of bad that X had to drive the whole way back without any company.

The next morning we felt the need to get out of the hotel again. Neither one of use really seems to like good-byes, and a trip to the beach seemed the perfect way to lighten the thoughts of having to bid our adieus in a few hours.

I wish I had taken a picture of the rules posted at the beach. We decided that the people that run the boardwalk must be fun-haters. The rules stated that you couldn't play ball or Frisbee on the beach, or go barefoot on the boardwalk among other things. We ventured to a private beach instead and admired the houses and discussed the flooding risks of such properties.

We still had a few hours left before I had to pack and drive back to the airport, so X suggested we visit a little port town.

Mystic can be seen in the background and seems the quintessential little New England town filled with shops, sailboats, and drawbridges. It was a lovely afternoon strolling through town viewing the storefronts, people, and inns.

You may remember the photo I posted for this week's challenge theme. The subject was the drawbridge in that we strolled across. The photo above is the sail boat that cruised through after the bridge was raised.

I said my good-bye to Mr X and left the hotel at 4:00. He continued to text with me throughout the flight delays that I ran into, calming my fears of being stranded.

I arrived home just before 2:00 Monday morning and managed to get myself into work by 7:30. It was a whirlwind weekend with very little sleep, but so worth the exhaustion I am still slightly feeling. I am so grateful that X gave me the break from reality that I needed and even more than I expected.

After a full night sleep Monday night I feel refreshed and ready to tackle my struggles again :)

A walk down that memory filled trail

The weather was absolutely gorgeous today. I was still in a slight bit of a funk, so rather than picking up the house I thought the kids and I should get out and about for a little while.

We had been hearing all week how the river was once again overflowing its banks, reminiscent of the two major floods that I can remember in my lifetime.

We figured our best bet for comparison was to head down to Ledges.

Yep, it sure looks like pre-2008 flood levels, but not up to the 1993 level thankfully.

The one nice thing about flooding is that it forces us to get off the beaten path. There are some areas of the park that I could navigate with my eyes closed, but others I haven't set foot on in years.

Walking through that forgotten timber produced hazy ghosts of memories.

It was July of 1993. I was 18, newly engaged, and barely pregnant. We had just returned from Cheyenne a few weeks before. We traveled from the dry hot winds into oceans where corn fields used to be. It rained terribly for the first two weeks after our return. It was a warm rain though and many nights we could be found walking through the flooded streets of town anyway.

A group of us decided to head down to Ledges on one of the few sunny afternoons to grill out & celebrate our return and engagement. We pulled the picnic tables as close to the water as we could get them and fired up the grills. The guys downed beers while the girls sat at the tables sharing the latest news and admiring my new ring.

At some point one of us declared that the heat and humidity was too much . We kicked off our shoes and ventured into the lagoon the swollen river had made near the shelter houses.

We spent the afternoon swimming in and out of this very shelter house, with an occasional rest seated in a windowsill. It was an afternoon to remember. Sadly it has been so many years now that I can barely remember who was there. I remember my friend Sunny, and of course my fiancee at the time, and possibly his brother and 1 of his sisters. I can assure you that there were a great many more people in attendance, but those are the ones I distinctly remember surrounding me with joy that day.

Towards the end of the day we were still full of horseplay when we should have been exhausted. I had some excuse to get out of the water, but quite what I no longer recall. I swam to the shore and started to trudge through the water covered mud that made up the last few feet of shoreline. Then out of no where he came! My fiancee was still full of 19 year old energy and horseplay. As he tackled me back into the water my stomach lurched in terror as I felt my new ring, which still needed to be sized slip off my finger and vault into the air.

I watched in fly up but never watched it land as my head went under the water. Already in tears I righted myself the instant I could find footing, but it was already too late. It was lost to the river, buried somewhere in feet of soft mud.

The entire group pulled together and searched the entire area. We sifted through handfuls of silt and mud but to no avail.

Every new flood I wander the shoreline there, curious to my ring's fate. Maybe, just maybe that beautiful 1 carat solitaire will resurface. I doubt I will ever be the one to find it, but maybe it will bring as much joy to the person that does as it did to me in the short time it was in my possession.

A break from memory lane, Sis decided to do a little exploring. Much like a young version of me at that age she has a need to feel and experience. The clay at the bottom of this creek bed caught her interest and she felt an intense need to touch it.

Apparently it wasn't quite what she expected as she declared it was slimy and muddy.

Further along the trail we came to this shelter house. I have an elusive memory of a fun night with a bunch of friends here in high school. I seem to recall that it was either after a play or band concert. It seems quite possible that as part of the tech crew we ventured out here after pulling off behind the scenes perfection for the high school drama club's latest production. I recall many other nights where we would venture around town stopping to play on swing sets, attempting to call up spirits with an Ouija board (in the chicken coop if any of you recall), or watching the end outcome of silly bets unravel at McDonald's.

What I do remember of this night is a game of hide and seek. I remember somehow climbing up onto the roof on the backside of this shelter house while the boys ventured off into the woods.

Ah, how I miss those young carefree days.

As I left the memory trail and joined back up with the kids I came across Sis laying on the side of the road. How can I reprimand her when I would have done such a thing at that age, and might even still, if the circumstances called for it.

Of course on the way out of the park we saw plenty of deer that were gracious enough to stop and pose for us.

I took a lot more pictures throughout the evening, but am choosing to hold those back as one of them just may end up being my submission for this week's photo challenge. The subject of which is Motion if any of you are interested in taking part. I know Chris would be excited to have more people participate!

For the love of good family...

I was raised to not feel pity for myself. I was taught that no matter how bad your current circumstances feel there is always a way up and out of it and that way is you. Someone always has it worse than you do, so buck up and change what you can.

That's all fine and dandy. That line of thinking has gotten me through a lot in my 35 years. I've been making it on my own since I was 17 and I think I've done a fairly decent job. I have roof over my head and although it has it's issues it keeps me & the kids warm & dry. I have a job that puts food on the table and with some tight budgeting allows us a few small extras every now and then. I have a reliable vehicle, that although not new or fancy by any means, can get me from point A to point B and even tow my camper along if I so fancy.

And I have family and friends. Loving, wonderful family and friends. The kind that share the good times with you, make you laugh, and are there when you have a total breakdown and need a shoulder to whine cry on. I am so thankful to have them in my life.

You see, today I have had a total self-pity day.

I had had it. Had enough. Everything that I have worked so hard for all my life just seemed to be crumbling down. I reached a very scary point today where I wondered just exactly what it is I'm working towards anymore.

Yeah, sure, I have the kids to work for. They are my driving force. I work hard everyday to provide a happy childhood for them while still instilling strength & good values. That's no easy task when I'm working on less resources than my parents ever had when they were trying to do the same for me. I had all 4 grandparents growing up. My kids have one that barely sees them even though she is in the same town. I had both parents. My kids have one parent full time and one when the mood strikes. I had tons of aunts, uncles, and cousins around at every family gathering. My kids pretty much just have me. Not that I'm complaining at all. I love having an active role in their lives every single day & wouldn't give it up for the world. It's just that some days the stress of knowing every little decision I make is going to impact their development in someway is a huge load to carry. The weight of their worlds is on my shoulders.

So I've been weighing a lot of decisions lately. I've been fixing up the house & considering selling it when I get it done. I've toyed with the idea of going back to school or pursuing a more fulfilling career path. I've dated & considered relationships but have been unable to find the balance I want between what I need and what I feel my children need (and I've found I've lost the ability to flirt with what I'm not interested in!). Ex seems to be tiring of his new flame already & wants to be involved in the kids' lives again, do I again bring up how damaging his push & pull relationship is to them? I have had to make financial decisions and still try to tuck a little money away for our summer vacation to some unknown destination yet to be decided. Every decision I want to make lately seems to end up in limbo, waiting for something else to decide which path I will take.

I feel stagnent. I do not like feeling stagnent. I feel the need to always be pursuing something. To chase one of my dreams. But lately I seem to be fresh out of dreams. I feel like my whole life is out of focus right now. I have almost too many options and decisions to make.

Then today I had more stress thrown onto my plate. An incident at work today made me really start considering if almost 11 years is too long at one job. I started my job as an intern in college. I don't have any other business experience. I have stayed so long because I work for a very wonderful company and I needed the stability of my job as Ex bounced from job to job. Now I'm wondering if that was a bad decision. Have I possibly sunk myself career-wise by slipping into complacency?

So now I'm thinking I should update my resume and test the waters. Or should I? Am I going to be so lucky as to find another job with the hours, benefits, pay, and (mostly minus one) great co-workers? And what exactly are my career aspirations? To tell the truth, I've never had any real career goals. I went into accounting because it was something that I knew I was good at that would pay the bills. All I've ever really wanted to do was raise my children and be artistic in some way, whether painting or writing. And here I haven't painted in so long that I threw my greasy separated oil paints out last year, and I only dabble in random bits of prose instead of introducing all the stories that flit through my head to paper.

I'm still living part of my dream though. I'm raising my children and am so grateful that I am able to do so.I chatted with my Auntie for several hours tonight. I love that woman. Without even knowing all the frustrations that I'm feeling right now she can make me feel stronger.
So where am I going from here? I have a feeling that only the wind knows which direction it will take me. But maybe I'll start with a green drink tomorrow night and a trip up to the lake in a few weeks to clear my head. Maybe I should fill my time in between the two with activities and friends to keep myself from dwelling on these unmade decisions and risk slipping into self-pity again.

So enough self-pity for tonight. How about some pictures of the fur babies (that's what you came here for, right?)? They hardly look like the same kittens anymore.
Bellzers taking it easy

Pretty Rosalie posing

Bellzers caught in action. He seemed to think both the plant and the scratching post were equal threats that night.

Self Portrait

I won't lie, this week's prompt was painful for me. It strikes me odd that I find a self portrait so painful. I am able to bare my soul to the world in my poetry, but I am unable to to peer into the depths of myself through a photograph. Isn't it strange that I can be so secure and confident in so many other areas of my life. Generally I am not ashamed of how I look, just in photographs. I won't tell you the features that I critic about myself. I will tell you that it took me almost 100 photos and 5 poses before I came up with something that I felt comfortable sharing.

The photo below is the artistic turn I took on the subject of Self Portrait. It goes hand in hand with my poem this week over at Impassioned Versifier.

I was honored to have the opportunity to share a great meal with Chris from Photography139 and several other old friends last Friday night. Be sure to scoot over there to check out the rest of this week's submissions, I am hoping he has a big turnout for this one.