Dark Shadows of a Twilight Week

"There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast. "
Charles Dickens

I am a little behind this week as I prepare for my upcoming vacation with Bug and work to settle things in my house, but as promised, here are a few of the extra shots considered for the last few week's Random Photo Challenges

The two photos above were considered for the theme Colorful. The photos below are part of the Still Life series.

I don't have anything to submit for this week's Random Photo Challenge or my Personal Poetry Challenge. It was just a down right busy week! We had two softball games and one soccer game, plus practices, I attended a birthday party for a dear friend, plus I managed to squeeze some overtime in. I also stopped to visit another old friend and....

briefly babysat the son of another dear friend.

I barely kept up with the housework, but somehow managed to find the time to repair the toilet in the guest bath. We now have two functioning bathrooms again! Although there is still some drywall work and painting to be tackled in there later this summer.

Last night I intended to set some time aside to work on my fun little projects. Instead, I got distracted by this....

Bug & Sis decided to blow bubbles just before bedtime last night. It was too dark for them to go outside and they knew I wouldn't be happy with bubbles floating around my living room. So they decided to look for a spot where bubbles would be accepted.

I followed the little burst of contagious giggles that ensued to find them kicked back in the bathtub taking turns with the bubble wand.

I may still work on the projects later this week, as I do have a few ideas on the subject floating around in my head.

For the love of good family...

I was raised to not feel pity for myself. I was taught that no matter how bad your current circumstances feel there is always a way up and out of it and that way is you. Someone always has it worse than you do, so buck up and change what you can.

That's all fine and dandy. That line of thinking has gotten me through a lot in my 35 years. I've been making it on my own since I was 17 and I think I've done a fairly decent job. I have roof over my head and although it has it's issues it keeps me & the kids warm & dry. I have a job that puts food on the table and with some tight budgeting allows us a few small extras every now and then. I have a reliable vehicle, that although not new or fancy by any means, can get me from point A to point B and even tow my camper along if I so fancy.

And I have family and friends. Loving, wonderful family and friends. The kind that share the good times with you, make you laugh, and are there when you have a total breakdown and need a shoulder to whine cry on. I am so thankful to have them in my life.

You see, today I have had a total self-pity day.

I had had it. Had enough. Everything that I have worked so hard for all my life just seemed to be crumbling down. I reached a very scary point today where I wondered just exactly what it is I'm working towards anymore.

Yeah, sure, I have the kids to work for. They are my driving force. I work hard everyday to provide a happy childhood for them while still instilling strength & good values. That's no easy task when I'm working on less resources than my parents ever had when they were trying to do the same for me. I had all 4 grandparents growing up. My kids have one that barely sees them even though she is in the same town. I had both parents. My kids have one parent full time and one when the mood strikes. I had tons of aunts, uncles, and cousins around at every family gathering. My kids pretty much just have me. Not that I'm complaining at all. I love having an active role in their lives every single day & wouldn't give it up for the world. It's just that some days the stress of knowing every little decision I make is going to impact their development in someway is a huge load to carry. The weight of their worlds is on my shoulders.

So I've been weighing a lot of decisions lately. I've been fixing up the house & considering selling it when I get it done. I've toyed with the idea of going back to school or pursuing a more fulfilling career path. I've dated & considered relationships but have been unable to find the balance I want between what I need and what I feel my children need (and I've found I've lost the ability to flirt with what I'm not interested in!). Ex seems to be tiring of his new flame already & wants to be involved in the kids' lives again, do I again bring up how damaging his push & pull relationship is to them? I have had to make financial decisions and still try to tuck a little money away for our summer vacation to some unknown destination yet to be decided. Every decision I want to make lately seems to end up in limbo, waiting for something else to decide which path I will take.

I feel stagnent. I do not like feeling stagnent. I feel the need to always be pursuing something. To chase one of my dreams. But lately I seem to be fresh out of dreams. I feel like my whole life is out of focus right now. I have almost too many options and decisions to make.

Then today I had more stress thrown onto my plate. An incident at work today made me really start considering if almost 11 years is too long at one job. I started my job as an intern in college. I don't have any other business experience. I have stayed so long because I work for a very wonderful company and I needed the stability of my job as Ex bounced from job to job. Now I'm wondering if that was a bad decision. Have I possibly sunk myself career-wise by slipping into complacency?

So now I'm thinking I should update my resume and test the waters. Or should I? Am I going to be so lucky as to find another job with the hours, benefits, pay, and (mostly minus one) great co-workers? And what exactly are my career aspirations? To tell the truth, I've never had any real career goals. I went into accounting because it was something that I knew I was good at that would pay the bills. All I've ever really wanted to do was raise my children and be artistic in some way, whether painting or writing. And here I haven't painted in so long that I threw my greasy separated oil paints out last year, and I only dabble in random bits of prose instead of introducing all the stories that flit through my head to paper.

I'm still living part of my dream though. I'm raising my children and am so grateful that I am able to do so.I chatted with my Auntie for several hours tonight. I love that woman. Without even knowing all the frustrations that I'm feeling right now she can make me feel stronger.
So where am I going from here? I have a feeling that only the wind knows which direction it will take me. But maybe I'll start with a green drink tomorrow night and a trip up to the lake in a few weeks to clear my head. Maybe I should fill my time in between the two with activities and friends to keep myself from dwelling on these unmade decisions and risk slipping into self-pity again.

So enough self-pity for tonight. How about some pictures of the fur babies (that's what you came here for, right?)? They hardly look like the same kittens anymore.
Bellzers taking it easy

Pretty Rosalie posing

Bellzers caught in action. He seemed to think both the plant and the scratching post were equal threats that night.

A little behind

I fell behind on the vacation blogs. I have all of the photos loaded on my computer now, so hopefully tomorrow night I can continue describing our trip.

We arrived home at 3:15 this morning. It was a 21 1/2 hour drive, and I stubbornly drove it all yesterday. Needless to say, I'm in need of a little rest before I return to work tomorrow.

Unfinished Business

Photo Courtesy of Tom Freda



Are you like me? Do you look around your house, perhaps in closets, under beds, in drawers. I think we all probably have something stuffed somewhere, that unfinished project that we promise ourselves we will complete someday....

Someday...

I have a lot of those almost completed projects. I have a few more that have barely been started. Some are small, some are big, some could be finished in minutes, others will take days.

With spring approaching (approaching? Heck, it may still be cold, but it is certainly here when rain takes over snow and the flower bed is giving birth to my favorite purple irises), I look around in amazement at how much I still expect myself to accomplish before warmth and humidity draws me out the door.

My biggest goal of the winter was to finish the "two-year quilt". In truth, I started this quilt about four years ago. It was my very first (and so far only) quilting project. Inspired by the beautiful quilts I had seen at the county fair, I purchased a lovely little how-to book called 10-20-30 minutes to quilt . It broke projects down into manageable little segments for the already stressed out, over-booked mom that becomes disillusioned by watching to much Martha Stewart and HGTV. I opted for the sewing machine version, rather than hand-quilting, in hopes that I would actually stick with the project until the end.

I spent a week choosing cotton fabrics of yellow, pink, and orange that would accent the brown that I envisioned my walls. As a side note, I did paint my bedroom walls last year and the quilt will look absolutely lovely in there, if I ever finish it.

Within a week I had all of the squares, triangles, and strips cut out. My son also had a nasty cut from investigating the rotary cutter that was apparently not hidden well enough from my then 4 year old. Two weeks later I had the entire front pieced and sewn together. I could now envision the finished product. I purchased batting and backing. I laid spent hours pinning the quilt "sandwich" together and marking on the back where I would stitch my decorative diamond shape pattern.

Then something came up. I can't tell you what, that was too long ago to recall minor details. I folded the nearly finished project up and placed it on top of my sewing table. I promised myself i would return to it soon.

That was four years ago.

After two years the kids started referring to it as my two-year quilt. As in "Mom? Aren't you ever going to finish that two-year quilt so you can make one for us?" The questioning stopped about a year ago but I can still hear them every time I catch a glimpse of my now completely unorganized sewing area.

I have five days of vacation coming up over the next month. (a use it or lose it type of situation). I believe it is time fro me to put those days to good use and attend to a little "unfinished business" around here.