For the love of good family...

I was raised to not feel pity for myself. I was taught that no matter how bad your current circumstances feel there is always a way up and out of it and that way is you. Someone always has it worse than you do, so buck up and change what you can.

That's all fine and dandy. That line of thinking has gotten me through a lot in my 35 years. I've been making it on my own since I was 17 and I think I've done a fairly decent job. I have roof over my head and although it has it's issues it keeps me & the kids warm & dry. I have a job that puts food on the table and with some tight budgeting allows us a few small extras every now and then. I have a reliable vehicle, that although not new or fancy by any means, can get me from point A to point B and even tow my camper along if I so fancy.

And I have family and friends. Loving, wonderful family and friends. The kind that share the good times with you, make you laugh, and are there when you have a total breakdown and need a shoulder to whine cry on. I am so thankful to have them in my life.

You see, today I have had a total self-pity day.

I had had it. Had enough. Everything that I have worked so hard for all my life just seemed to be crumbling down. I reached a very scary point today where I wondered just exactly what it is I'm working towards anymore.

Yeah, sure, I have the kids to work for. They are my driving force. I work hard everyday to provide a happy childhood for them while still instilling strength & good values. That's no easy task when I'm working on less resources than my parents ever had when they were trying to do the same for me. I had all 4 grandparents growing up. My kids have one that barely sees them even though she is in the same town. I had both parents. My kids have one parent full time and one when the mood strikes. I had tons of aunts, uncles, and cousins around at every family gathering. My kids pretty much just have me. Not that I'm complaining at all. I love having an active role in their lives every single day & wouldn't give it up for the world. It's just that some days the stress of knowing every little decision I make is going to impact their development in someway is a huge load to carry. The weight of their worlds is on my shoulders.

So I've been weighing a lot of decisions lately. I've been fixing up the house & considering selling it when I get it done. I've toyed with the idea of going back to school or pursuing a more fulfilling career path. I've dated & considered relationships but have been unable to find the balance I want between what I need and what I feel my children need (and I've found I've lost the ability to flirt with what I'm not interested in!). Ex seems to be tiring of his new flame already & wants to be involved in the kids' lives again, do I again bring up how damaging his push & pull relationship is to them? I have had to make financial decisions and still try to tuck a little money away for our summer vacation to some unknown destination yet to be decided. Every decision I want to make lately seems to end up in limbo, waiting for something else to decide which path I will take.

I feel stagnent. I do not like feeling stagnent. I feel the need to always be pursuing something. To chase one of my dreams. But lately I seem to be fresh out of dreams. I feel like my whole life is out of focus right now. I have almost too many options and decisions to make.

Then today I had more stress thrown onto my plate. An incident at work today made me really start considering if almost 11 years is too long at one job. I started my job as an intern in college. I don't have any other business experience. I have stayed so long because I work for a very wonderful company and I needed the stability of my job as Ex bounced from job to job. Now I'm wondering if that was a bad decision. Have I possibly sunk myself career-wise by slipping into complacency?

So now I'm thinking I should update my resume and test the waters. Or should I? Am I going to be so lucky as to find another job with the hours, benefits, pay, and (mostly minus one) great co-workers? And what exactly are my career aspirations? To tell the truth, I've never had any real career goals. I went into accounting because it was something that I knew I was good at that would pay the bills. All I've ever really wanted to do was raise my children and be artistic in some way, whether painting or writing. And here I haven't painted in so long that I threw my greasy separated oil paints out last year, and I only dabble in random bits of prose instead of introducing all the stories that flit through my head to paper.

I'm still living part of my dream though. I'm raising my children and am so grateful that I am able to do so.I chatted with my Auntie for several hours tonight. I love that woman. Without even knowing all the frustrations that I'm feeling right now she can make me feel stronger.
So where am I going from here? I have a feeling that only the wind knows which direction it will take me. But maybe I'll start with a green drink tomorrow night and a trip up to the lake in a few weeks to clear my head. Maybe I should fill my time in between the two with activities and friends to keep myself from dwelling on these unmade decisions and risk slipping into self-pity again.

So enough self-pity for tonight. How about some pictures of the fur babies (that's what you came here for, right?)? They hardly look like the same kittens anymore.
Bellzers taking it easy

Pretty Rosalie posing

Bellzers caught in action. He seemed to think both the plant and the scratching post were equal threats that night.