For the love of good family...

I was raised to not feel pity for myself. I was taught that no matter how bad your current circumstances feel there is always a way up and out of it and that way is you. Someone always has it worse than you do, so buck up and change what you can.

That's all fine and dandy. That line of thinking has gotten me through a lot in my 35 years. I've been making it on my own since I was 17 and I think I've done a fairly decent job. I have roof over my head and although it has it's issues it keeps me & the kids warm & dry. I have a job that puts food on the table and with some tight budgeting allows us a few small extras every now and then. I have a reliable vehicle, that although not new or fancy by any means, can get me from point A to point B and even tow my camper along if I so fancy.

And I have family and friends. Loving, wonderful family and friends. The kind that share the good times with you, make you laugh, and are there when you have a total breakdown and need a shoulder to whine cry on. I am so thankful to have them in my life.

You see, today I have had a total self-pity day.

I had had it. Had enough. Everything that I have worked so hard for all my life just seemed to be crumbling down. I reached a very scary point today where I wondered just exactly what it is I'm working towards anymore.

Yeah, sure, I have the kids to work for. They are my driving force. I work hard everyday to provide a happy childhood for them while still instilling strength & good values. That's no easy task when I'm working on less resources than my parents ever had when they were trying to do the same for me. I had all 4 grandparents growing up. My kids have one that barely sees them even though she is in the same town. I had both parents. My kids have one parent full time and one when the mood strikes. I had tons of aunts, uncles, and cousins around at every family gathering. My kids pretty much just have me. Not that I'm complaining at all. I love having an active role in their lives every single day & wouldn't give it up for the world. It's just that some days the stress of knowing every little decision I make is going to impact their development in someway is a huge load to carry. The weight of their worlds is on my shoulders.

So I've been weighing a lot of decisions lately. I've been fixing up the house & considering selling it when I get it done. I've toyed with the idea of going back to school or pursuing a more fulfilling career path. I've dated & considered relationships but have been unable to find the balance I want between what I need and what I feel my children need (and I've found I've lost the ability to flirt with what I'm not interested in!). Ex seems to be tiring of his new flame already & wants to be involved in the kids' lives again, do I again bring up how damaging his push & pull relationship is to them? I have had to make financial decisions and still try to tuck a little money away for our summer vacation to some unknown destination yet to be decided. Every decision I want to make lately seems to end up in limbo, waiting for something else to decide which path I will take.

I feel stagnent. I do not like feeling stagnent. I feel the need to always be pursuing something. To chase one of my dreams. But lately I seem to be fresh out of dreams. I feel like my whole life is out of focus right now. I have almost too many options and decisions to make.

Then today I had more stress thrown onto my plate. An incident at work today made me really start considering if almost 11 years is too long at one job. I started my job as an intern in college. I don't have any other business experience. I have stayed so long because I work for a very wonderful company and I needed the stability of my job as Ex bounced from job to job. Now I'm wondering if that was a bad decision. Have I possibly sunk myself career-wise by slipping into complacency?

So now I'm thinking I should update my resume and test the waters. Or should I? Am I going to be so lucky as to find another job with the hours, benefits, pay, and (mostly minus one) great co-workers? And what exactly are my career aspirations? To tell the truth, I've never had any real career goals. I went into accounting because it was something that I knew I was good at that would pay the bills. All I've ever really wanted to do was raise my children and be artistic in some way, whether painting or writing. And here I haven't painted in so long that I threw my greasy separated oil paints out last year, and I only dabble in random bits of prose instead of introducing all the stories that flit through my head to paper.

I'm still living part of my dream though. I'm raising my children and am so grateful that I am able to do so.I chatted with my Auntie for several hours tonight. I love that woman. Without even knowing all the frustrations that I'm feeling right now she can make me feel stronger.
So where am I going from here? I have a feeling that only the wind knows which direction it will take me. But maybe I'll start with a green drink tomorrow night and a trip up to the lake in a few weeks to clear my head. Maybe I should fill my time in between the two with activities and friends to keep myself from dwelling on these unmade decisions and risk slipping into self-pity again.

So enough self-pity for tonight. How about some pictures of the fur babies (that's what you came here for, right?)? They hardly look like the same kittens anymore.
Bellzers taking it easy

Pretty Rosalie posing

Bellzers caught in action. He seemed to think both the plant and the scratching post were equal threats that night.

Explore

This week's theme was explore. I really wish I had had the time to actually venture outside to explore. The weather yesterday would have been absolutely perfect to do just that. Instead I was inside working on spring cleaning so that the electrician can come this week to give me an estimate on some rewiring I need to have done.

I've heard that there is a bald eagle roaming back and forth between Don Williams and the Fraser Dam. It had been my plan to venture along the river yesterday to try to get a photo of him. I do feel accomplished and satisfied with all the work I got done yesterday though. Hopefully the kids don't make too big of a mess during Spring break this week, forcing me to do it all again.

I was beginning to worry that I wouldn't have a photo to submit again this week. Then I caught one of the kittens exploring the house just before bedtime. It's obviously not my ideal submission for exploring, but I did have a lot of fun following her through the house as she checked every nook and cranny. Below is a shot of her checking underneath my China hutch. Apparently everything in the house checked out okay and after about 20 minutes she settled down for a bite to eat and a good belly rub from me.
Of course I have a poem posted over at Impassioned Versifier for this week's challenge and be sure to check out the rest of this week's photo submissions over at Photography139.

We have a couple new little additions to our household.

Tuesday night Sis and Ricky presented me with my early Christmas presents

I was a little in shock at first. I wasn't expecting to get another kitten so soon and I surely wasn't expecting two of them!

The little critters grew on me quickly though, and within the hour I was working on choosing names.

It's rather difficult to come up with names for a pair of female kittens. We tossed around Laverne & Shirley, Thelma & Louise, Michiko & Mineko. I wanted something artsy or literary but kept drawing blanks. Then Sis mentioned her favorite series of books. They do like to stalk us like little vampire bats around the house....
Meet Rosalie. She has a strange fascination with riding on my shoulder. I think it's just so she can be close to my neck when she's ready for a bite.

This is Bella. She seems to have adopted Sis as "her person" already. That's okay, but Snowflake is a little out of joint about it.

Snowflake feels the need to remind us that she is still the cute princess. She is adjusting to the kittens quickly and will hopefully be more than just tolerant of them in a day or two.

They seem to be good kittens so far and even listen when I tell them to get off of my curtains.

Aren't they just adorable? I just love kittens!

Why nothing gets accomplished

The picture above is a prime example of why I don't always get things done as planned around here. I had a lovely three day weekend planned for myself. The kids were gone from Friday night to Sunday morning. Sis was at our church's youth group retreat and Bug was at his Dad's for the weekend. I spent Friday morning cleaning the house so that I would have plenty of time to work on the two-year quilt.

Things happen, plans change. I did get quite a bit accomplished on the quilt. In fact, I have the decorative diamond stitching that holds it together done. Just not as much as I had planned. With no children in the house there shouldn't have been many interruptions, but it seemed there were more than ever. The cat that insisted on being in the middle of my mission, stopping to watch my basketball bracket get blown to smithereens, phone calls that I should have ignored, the occasional bite to eat or restroom break, and a need to get a few hours of sleep, all had a part in sabotaging my overly ambitious goal.

I am happy that the stitching is done though and have to admit that I did learn a lot in the process. In the future, if I have a project pinned together for two years before stitching, it would probably be wise to re-pin it. I also learned that it is not a wise idea to use masking tape to mark a pattern on fabric and leave the tape on for two years. I will be peeling tape for the next week! Oh well, another excuse for a manicure!