I've lost my muse

Courtesy of Sis & Ricky, hopefully these will lift my spirits

I'm trying to figure out why. Why every time that I get a good creative flow going, life has to knock me down & complicate it, so that eventually the creativity gets pushed aside and I have to deal with whatever is so pressing.

That right there is the sum of my last two weeks. Everything was going great. I was baking up a storm, I was writing up a storm, I was living and I was happy. I had started several poems and had the beginnings (or middles, or ends) of several more. I had started the outline and first sample writings for a new blog. I had even started writing a short story, something I have not attempted for years.

I will admit that part of the problem is that I became distracted. I let a few messes clutter up the counters. Then I realized that I had put off the necessary phone calls to secure a location for our next Scout meeting. I have a tendency to become temporarily obsessed with my inclinations. I don't think I'm alone in that. We all become a little caught up in our own creativity every now and again.

It would have been all fine and dandy though, I am comfortable with letting a few minor details slide now and again, except that I got into a huge argument with Ex. Admittedly, I had let my guard down. I had begun to trust that maybe, just maybe, Ex had grown up just enough to be trusted in a co-parenting roll. Perhaps he now realized that his actions reflect on his roll model status as a father. Or perhaps not. There was a lot of hurt and betrayal felt by Bug & especially Sis as Ex followed his own whims and left their feelings and admiration behind. I wish I could say out right the terrible decision that he made, I will keep to my promise not to discuss his transgressions on this blog however, but I am very thankful that I have been able to raise my children well enough to realize that it was a moral mistake without my pointing it out.

So I spent last week consoling my children instead of writing and being creative. It was the right decision and I have no regrets about that. Then Christmas came. A 3 day weekend alone with the kids! No one can really be expected to sit themselves in front of a computer on a long holiday weekend can they? Instead I cooked, did some light cleaning, made phone calls to loved ones, and played the wii with the kids. We had gotten a lot of snow and travel was not really advised, so we stayed in where it was warm and simply enjoyed our time together. The one time I did venture out I managed to get pulled over, but that's a different part of the story and not where I'm headed with this particular little rant.

So Sunday night came and I was very relaxed. I was sitting right here in this very spot with the computer in my lap. I really thought that maybe I could find a little bit of that creativity and write just a little bit. I was a little cold though, so I ventured over to the thermostat. 65 degrees it read. Not bad, but lower than I usually had it set. I went down to the basement to check, sure enough the pilot light was out. No big deal, I had become a pro at relighting the old rusty contraption since Ex moved out.

After getting the heat flowing again I decided I should probably just head to bed and jot in my notebook. I listened to the furnace hum as I went about my nightly rituals. I could feel the house starting to warm. And then, suddenly, nothing. The pilot light was out again.

I braved the frigid basement and lit it again. I fell asleep listening to the rattle of heat blowing through the vents. It seemed like the furnace was running a long time now and I was quite toasty.

I woke up at 1:00 shivering. It was now 57 in the house. I re lit the pilot. Then I lit it again at 3:30. And again at 5:30. And once more before I left for work at 7:00.

I sent a text message to my best friend, who's dad happens to be my furnace guy.

I stopped by home real quick while I was running the work deposit to the bank. I re lit the furnace twice. The temperature had dropped to 53 degrees. The kitchen faucet was starting to show signs of freezing since the pipe runs along an outside wall.

I got a text back. My friend's dad would be over after 5:00 to see what he could do. He was pretty sure it was a cheap part & simple fix. I took the rest of the day off work and used two space heaters and blankets to set up warm rooms in the house. I opened up each of the faucets to a drip so the pipes wouldn't freeze. I did laundry just to run the dryer and I curled up under a blanket with Bug to read a book. Every couple hours I would check the faucets & move the heaters.

My friend's dad came over sooner than expected and set to work. Throughout the even I could hear pounding and the occasional shrill of his phone ringing. At 8:00 he came up to tell me the bad news. He had done all he could, but sadly my furnace was beyond repair. The good news was that he had used furnace in his daughter's garage and he would put it in for me free of charge.

The man is a saint. I have said before that he is an angel in disguise. You wouldn't know to look at him what a huge heart he has. He looks like Chris Farley if he had lived to his almost 60's and had chosen a career in plumbing & heating. He is always laughing & smiling and rarely has a bad word to say to anyone.

So last night he put in the new furnace. It took him until 11:00. He left here with an apple pie as my thank you to him. I know that was not nearly enough thanks for the wonderful kindness he bestowed to me.

Now I have heat, wonderful heat. Maybe I could pick up where I left off, but now I have the sniffles. I suppose that's what happens when you go 2 days without heat. I just want a clear head so I can concentrate and unplugged ears so I can hear my muse again.

Oh well, such is life. Maybe next week. The start of a new year, the start of new creativity perhaps?

Tis the Season

I just realized that it has been almost a month since I've blogged. I wish I could say that's because it was a quiet month without a lot going on, but instead it has been fraught with drama. All this intrusion on my nerves has served some purpose though, it has forced me to start thinking about my future and what I want out of it.


I haven't come to any solid conclusions yet, but I have enjoyed entertaining the thoughts of moving, going back to school, and writing a book.

Funny that I wrote about keeping one's perspective just a month ago.

This past weekend I needed a change of perspective. I was tired of being strong. I was tired of trying to shield my children from events I had no control over. I was sulking about how I had not done as much with my life as I had planned by this point. I was just plain worn out.

Which of course meant that it was time to do something to change my perspective.

What better than spending the entire weekend baking with my little Buggaboo?

Raisin Puffs just like my mom used to make every Christmas.

Bug's favorite job was to make the Almond Bark Pretzels.

Excellent decorating Bug!

We made a lot more than this. We also made 6 dozen Lemon Cookies, 4 dozen sugar cookies, and 2 pans of Scotcharoos.

All that baking has made me feel a lot better and changed my perspective back to what's most important of all... spending quality time with my loved ones.

Now if I could only find the time to deliver all the cookie trays we made!

A Thanksgiving Lesson in Perspective

I have a few friends (mostly male?) that complained this year that they had nothing to be thankful for in this season of Thanks-giving. One had lost his job, one thought his girlfriend was considering leaving, and the one lone female had just wrecked her car. Being the friend that I always am, I made room on my shoulder, and tried to talk each of them up again.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. Nothing is required of you except presenting yourself and a little help in the kitchen. It is a time to reflect on the joys in our lives and give thanks to the one that made those joys possible.

It's also about perspective.

I could easily say that I don't have a lot to be thankful for.... money is tight, I never have enough time in my day to fully appreciate & spend the amount of time I want to with my children, I don't have a special someone at the end of each day, I've reached a point where I get more bills than junk mail. The list could go on and on.

That's not how I see my life though.

While I may vent occasionally about something that makes me unhappy, irate, or upset, for the most part I know that it's the little joys that make life so much brighter. And I know who I have to thank for them.

Those are His little reminders to me not to be bitter or sad about the trials in my life. Each joy is a reminder to me to change my perspective and be thankful for all the things we try to take for granted.

Here are a few snapshots from my Thanksgiving up at the lake:

Doesn't Sophie look so regal here? She's not a very nice kitty, but I am thankful that my Auntie & Uncle have her love & devotion, and Pepe's too. I"m also in a funny way thankful for the laugh she gives me every time she stalks or attacks me for paying attention to her.
Of course I'm always thankful for a delicious Thanksgiving meal.

I am thankful that at 92 my Grandma is still in her own apartment (I am also extremely thankful to Auntie for her patience!)

I am thankful for having an Aunt that I can share a bottle of wine with.

I am thankful for having family to share the holiday with.

I am also thankful for a strong cup of coffee & sunshine the next morning!

I am thankful that I have 2 great kids that get along so well.

I am thankful that I am able to share the beauty of the lake that was so important t my childhood with my children.

I am thankful for the rare treat of being able to just sit back with nothing pressing to do.

I am thankful for random bits of silliness.

I am thankful for nature's beauty

I am thankful for it all.

Overheard at Church Today...

The following amusing conversation took place between Sunday school and Worship today.

"There's a streak of green on your forehead, Bug"

"Oh yeah, we used markers today," he says with a sheepish grin.

"So you decided to use your forehead instead of paper?" I quizzed.

"Well, you know mom, white is just too plain no matter where it is," he chimed without missing a beat.

We have a couple new little additions to our household.

Tuesday night Sis and Ricky presented me with my early Christmas presents

I was a little in shock at first. I wasn't expecting to get another kitten so soon and I surely wasn't expecting two of them!

The little critters grew on me quickly though, and within the hour I was working on choosing names.

It's rather difficult to come up with names for a pair of female kittens. We tossed around Laverne & Shirley, Thelma & Louise, Michiko & Mineko. I wanted something artsy or literary but kept drawing blanks. Then Sis mentioned her favorite series of books. They do like to stalk us like little vampire bats around the house....
Meet Rosalie. She has a strange fascination with riding on my shoulder. I think it's just so she can be close to my neck when she's ready for a bite.

This is Bella. She seems to have adopted Sis as "her person" already. That's okay, but Snowflake is a little out of joint about it.

Snowflake feels the need to remind us that she is still the cute princess. She is adjusting to the kittens quickly and will hopefully be more than just tolerant of them in a day or two.

They seem to be good kittens so far and even listen when I tell them to get off of my curtains.

Aren't they just adorable? I just love kittens!

Disarray

Most days if you ask me how being a single mom is going I'll tell you it's great. Very, very great!

I love the fact that I now have the freedom to decide what gets cleaned when, to budget so that the kids and I can enjoy the activities that we want to do, and to enjoy a routine that actually works for our family. I love the fact that Ex and I can get along for the good of the kids now. I also love the fact that I have freedom now to spend time with my friends.

I always try to look at the bright side of being a single parent family.

But every once in awhile....

4 loads of laundry hiding my beautiful Buffet that has been passed down 3 generations so far.

Sometimes it does fall apart. I came home tonight feeling a little overwhelmed. There were two loads of dishes scattered throughout the house. Four loads of laundry needed folding. I need to dust and vacuum and I should probably change the litter box and maybe clean the windows before I put plastic up. Oh, and the kitchen is driving me nuts, I really need to reorganize the cupboards.

My house didn't seem so unorganized last night. I suppose a lot of it is just my mood.

Usually I can count on Sis and Bug to help keep things flowing. I'm too tired to unload the dishwasher tonight? That's OK, the kids can do it after school tomorrow.

Only Sis has been sick on and off for 6 weeks now. She has missed 9 days of school so far.

I want her to rest and stay caught up on homework, so I haven't been pushing on chores.

Yesterday I took her to the Doctor. I sort of figured it would be something simple, like undiagnosed allergies. She of course was fine while we were there, bubbly and full of energy. We tossed around the idea of slight sinus infections or an allergy to dust. The Doctor wasn't quite satisfied though, so he ordered a few blood tests.

We are patiently waiting for two weeks to find out if she has some sort of immune deficiency. I of course spent some time looking up immune disease on the Internet last night. Scary Stuff.


This morning she woke up complaining of a sore throat. By 11:30 the school had called for me to pick her up. She was running a low grade fever by then & complaining of dizziness.

I brought her home and gave her an allergy pill. I documented her symptoms for the Doctor and went back to work.

The allergy pill didn't help and she excused herself to bed early tonight. Poor Sis.

This weekend I have few commitments, so I will be cleaning house top to bottom just in case there is some mysterious trigger here. Until then the dishes are done and the laundry can wait.

I am officially off duty for the night.

R.I.P.

Every once in a while you are lucky enough to have one of those pets that you form a strong attachment to, an amazing bond with. I was blessed to have Felony the Feline Felon in my life for 16 years. This morning I had to make the heartbreaking decision to put her to sleep.

I was just 2 months into my 18th year of life when I answered an ad for free kittens. I thought I knew it all back then and thought I could do it all. I had been living out in Cheyenne for 4 months and things weren't going so well. I knew that that the time was approaching for me to pack up and head back home, but I was stubborn and wouldn't admit it.

I felt alone.

I got in the 1977 Chevette that we had bought from the Gypsy's car lot down the road (no, honestly, they claimed to be decedents of real gypsies), and drove across town to a well-to-do, one-story brick house. The lady of the house showed me to the laundry room and left me to pick out my kitten. I must have sat on that floor for an hour playing with them all, determining each one's personality.

There was one kitten in particular that caught my attention. She was a stocky little tortoise shell/calico mix and she had an attitude. She repeatedly attacked me, from the side, from the back, even head on as I was playing with her brothers and sisters. It was when she finally gave up on the mini-ambushes and calmly walked up to bite my hand that I knew I had to have her.

She had picked me.

And she was just as stubborn as I was.

I proudly drove her home to the little trailer that my boyfriend and I shared with his cousin and his wife. Little did I know that my new little furry joy would be the straw that broke the camels back. Apparently my boyfriend and his cousin had been arguing throughout the day. I walked in expecting everyone to coo over my feline find. It quickly became obvious that we had over stayed our welcome.

The next morning we loaded up all our worldly possessions, his puppy (a 10 week old lab mix), and my kitten into that little Chevette and hit the road for Iowa. Along the way we sang to Janice Joplin and AC/DC and tried to come up with a name to befit the interesting personality this cat had.

We were about halfway across Nebraska when she snuck up under the passenger seat to snitch Doritos out of the bag between my feet.

"Get out of there you feline felon!" I shrieked as she dodged my swipes and darted into the haphazard towers of clothes and Cd's filling the little hatchback.

And so Felony was named. My little feline felon.

Before the end of the trip she had swiped a cheeseburger from me as well.

Felony was a constant in my life from that day forward. She was there weaving between my feet when I stared in astonishment at the positive pregnancy test in my hands. I locked her in the bathroom with me as the boyfriend went on a rampage when he found out. She survived the 10 seconds of microwave radiation that he gave her in an attempt to keep us there.

We bounced around for several months that summer from friend to friend, who ever would let us stay, but never long enough to wear out our welcome. Felony always cuddled up on my chest at night to keep me safe.

As winter approached my mom convinced my dad to ask me to stay with them until the baby was born. Felony quickly became part of the family. Christmas morning there was an envelope for her under the tree. My mom had used scrapbook paper to make gift certificates entitling Felony to a free pedicure and hormone treatment. The next week she visited the "spa". My parents had paid for her to be declawed, spayed, and her first round of shots.

Two weeks after that I delivered a healthy little girl. I often worried about Felony's insistence to check up on Sis. She would often jump up on to the dresser next to the crib and peer over the edge at the sleeping baby.

I didn't need to worry. Felony soon earned the nickname Mama Kitty and treated Sis as if she were her own. Mama Kitty couldn't stand it when the baby cried and would come looking for me. She would meow at me and insist that I tend to the crying infant right then (even if I was trying to get her to go to sleep).

Shortly before we got married, Ex and I moved into a duplex at the edge of town. There was a cornfield across the street that Felony liked to romp through every day. And everyday she brought me a ground squirrel. It was her way of showing me that she could provide for the family too. While I didn't really appreciate having to remove a dead chipmunk from our front stoop every morning (which I usually made Ex handle) I still smile when I think of her "gifts".

There are so many more stories I could share about my sweet Felony like her bouts of jealousy when Ex and I cuddled, or her temper tantrums of clearing off the living room table if she didn't get the attention she wanted. I could also write about her yearly Christmas present of a can of tuna that she would paw at under the tree.

The most touching of all stories about Felony occurred this morning though.

Felony passed on gracefully this morning. We took her to the vet knowing what would happen. She had become paralyzed from the waist down overnight due to a tumor on her spine and a dislodged blood clot.

She was more alert and aware than I had seen her in months. As she sat in the box that I had fixed for her she looked at each one of us and meowed until we came over to say goodbye. She nudged our hands with her head, which was her way of giving hugs.

In the vet's office she decided not to watch them prepare her, which would have been her natural way; but instead laid her head against my hip and kept it there as they gave her the shot and it took effect.

My sweet kitten passed on cuddled up to me giving me the love and comfort that she has always handed me unconditionally over her 16 years.

Felony Mae
April 10, 1993-November 5, 2009

photo courtesy of Michael Backunas



On The Wings of A Butterfly

Your friendship is special
Like the flowers that bloom,
Or when a butterfly emerges
From within its cocoon...

You remind me of that butterfly,
Loving and free,
Bright and colorful,
For the world to see...

We will share sunshine and rainbows;
Sometimes, the rain and the snow;
We'll stand together through it,
While the cold winds blow...

When the time is right,
We won't stop to ask "Why?"
Our friendship will take flight
On the wings of a butterfly ...

~ Corky Ferguson

More Haunted Happenings

We continued our haunted happenings throughout the week. On Tuesday night we carved pumpkins.

Sis wasn't feeling so well that night. She had a fever, sore throat, and headache. She stayed home from school the next day. I seem to have a touch of it this weekend, thanks Sis.
Bug did pretty good at cleaning the guts out of his gourd. Sis did step in and help him finish it up. Such a sweet sister.

I was surprised to find out that Ricky had never carved a pumpkin before. I am so glad that we have the opportunity to share our traditional holiday experiences with him.

On Thursday night we went up town to the local merchant's Trick-or-Treat with a Cop. We love to attend this function every year. It is really a neat idea. As a fundraiser for December's Shop with a Cop charity function (where low income kids get to shop for presents to give) the local merchants block off 3 blocks uptown and open their doors to trick or treaters. We get to see a lot of familiar faces and mom benefits too by getting a few discount coupons & the opportunity to window shop.

After our excursion uptown I dropped Bug off at his school for the 3rd grade Fall Fun Festival. Unfortunately this year I was deemed uncool by him and not allowed to attend. It's both sad and happy to watch my little boy assert his independence. He had a lot of fun with his friends under the supervision of the school staff. The kids got to play Halloween Bingo, balloon volleyball, and musical chairs. Normally the school has a marshmallow roast too, but it was raining off and on that night. During this time Sis and Ricky were uptown volunteering at a haunted house with Sis's dad. One of his friends was putting on the house in his store as a fundraiser. The kids had a lot of fun working there and Sis may even have a couple new babysitting jobs because of it.

On Friday night, while Sis and Ricky worked the haunted house again, Bug and I ventured up to the YMCA for their Halloween Under the Big Top event. We enjoyed hot dogs, chips, and popcorn while playing various carnival type games. Bug won a cupcake at the cake walk, had his fortune read, and played games such as the bean bag toss and knock down the cans. I had an amusing time watching an old friend try to keep his 3 year old from saying Captain America, which unfortunately always comes out 'Cap'n Nigga'. Bug and I came back home to enjoy take out while watching Halloween movies.

And Saturday was Halloween....

Bug thought up his hobo costume and Sis and I had a lot of fun pulling it together for him. We even cut apart an old pair of cleats to show his toes. He got so many compliments and extra candy for his costume that he has declared that he plans to be a hobo again next year!
This is the gravedigger that Sis and her dad put together to watch over the cemetery and helpfully spook a few people
Bug making sure all the tombstones were in place. Our neighborhood gets into Halloween and we have one of the three cemeteries adorning the block.
We were ready for the beggar's to start trick or treating. Unfortunately there are a lot of kids sick with H1N1 around here right now, so we didn't have very many kids come by at all. Sis and Ricky stayed back to pass out candy while I took Bug begging. Rumor has it that they were giving handfuls of candy to the kids that we knew :)

I was hoping to get to go to a haunted house or forest this year, but my Halloween night plans fell through. I see that Halloween falls on a Sunday this year, maybe that will be incentive for me to finally clean the garage and basement and have that Halloween party for the little ones like I've wanted to for the last several years.

Halloween Happenings

Anyone that knows me knows that I have this bizarre fascination with the upcoming Haunted Holiday. I'm not really sure why I do, but I have always loved Halloween.

This year it took me a little longer to find my spooky spirit. I usually have the tombstones and other decorations up on October 1st. On the 12th Sis finally had enough of my malaise and put the cemetery up herself (pictures to hopefully be posted later).

It was time to get my tucas in gear & enjoy some fall festivities so the kids and I ventured out to some of our favorite celebrations.

First stop was the pumpkin patch and corn maze.

Sis has a tendency to choose pumpkins a little on the large side. Can you handle it Sis?

Bug found one a little more his size. Ricky is carrying mine so I can take pictures. I didn't get a picture of him with giant gourd, but it's pretty comparable to mine.

Then it was time to embark on our journey through the corn maze. Bug did a pretty good job of guiding us so we didn't get lost.

Bug thought he could push me off the path and into the field.

He was wrong. Bug ended up in the corn instead.

Sis was having fun picking ears of corn. Naughty Sissy.

Our next stop was Living History Farms where Bug went trick or treating at all the old stores, listened to a spooky story teller, and enjoyed popcorn and hot apple cider.

We also enjoyed a hayrack ride. Bug took this picture of me while we were being pulled on the bumpy path. Good job Bug! Maybe I should consider getting him a camera for Christmas?

I'd say the kids had a lot of fun!

The roasted marshmallows on our way out. What a perfect end to a beautiful afternoon.

On Sunday we decided to continue our adventures and check out Spirits in the Garden at Reiman Gardens

Bug got to touch all sorts of interesting things for a treat. Here he is petting a hissing cockroach. I am very glad they had hand sanitizer everywhere!

He also got to play a few games for candy. Once again we were served wonderfully warm popcorn and cider.

We told Sis that she had to dress up this time so she threw on her cowgirl hat.

Notice that Bug had on a different jersey on Sunday? He can't quite decide if he's a hawkeye or cyclone LOL.

We have sat and watched a lot of our favorite spooky movies and have our yard all decked out. It is finally starting to feel like Halloween around here.